Episode 103 'A Blogger's Retrospective'

When someone mentions a blog, what do you initially think of? Perhaps a self indulgent article written by that up-and-coming journalist you met at College. It could be promotional diary entries from a comedian or poet. Or maybe even an online record of all your updated status' and locations collected by corporate social media platforms. Who bloody knows? However, the most likely answer to what a blog is will probably be the idle ramblings of a friend or colleague who you lost touch with, but is determined to remain in the zeitgeist of your social media. 

This is where I, Thomas (Barrels) Grainger, find myself presently shelved. 

In the guise of a graduate seeking work, I have blasphemed the blogging network with tales of my own woes, mingled amongst the pretty pictures and funny videos of an attention seeking individual who needs some level of gratification. My own love of writing could easily be my undoing because I don't want to taint my side-line passion by revealing an ulterior motive. But there is not one, of course! This did begin as a very innocent and self assuring blog, but as you get older you tend to be a little more cynical. 

At the dawn of this blog I would post marvellously optimistic entries of student life where my animation career began. Oh the rich words and descriptions! My blogging environment was such a safe bubble. On what wonderful literature adventures would it take me?

THE FUTURE...

I am currently having what I perceive as being some kind of existential crisis. 

And not because I am unhappy with where I am (Lisbon, Portugal), but it seems to hinge more on why I am? Basically, I feel like I am questioning my purpose on quite a regular basis. It can be easy to sound dramatic on here; much like any online social commentary can sound over the top without fear of consequence. But my caveat is that I'm a suffering artist who needs to be dramatic to sell work. 

THE PAST...

Growing up I was became career driven (eventually). There was a change in me after I spectacularly flunked a random Graphics and Art design course I took at Leeds Metropolitan University, respectively. Me and my housemate Ryan had spent all our student loan on Pot Noodles, X-Box Live games and more clubbing than you can shake a glowstick at. I didn't turn up to lectures, classes or group activities. And the work I did accomplish is simply awful to behold. For the record, I (incredibly) managed to scrape past the first year at the bequest of my mother who not only commented on the visibly physical Pot Noodle effect, but would simply not have her son waste a year without some recognition. Now, if there was a way of retrieving the stolen X-Box hard drive (the house was burgled!), then I could prove that the hundreds of hours I poured into The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion would not be considered a waste of time. 

The combination of failure and disappointment were enough for 19 year old Thomas to take a timely gap year, feel the worldly perspective on life and return to England ready to tackle a new course with a brand new mindset. This degree would then shape the rest of little Thomas' life (so far). 

March 2008
'Before enlightenment'

June 2008
'After enlightenment'

When I finished my 3 years at Staffordshire University, gaining a first in Stop Motion Animation and Puppet Making, I had learned an absolute barrel full of lessons. Everything from new skills, experiences and inspiration to new life skills, new friends and how to set myself up for a career in this industry. There was a protective bubble surrounding me, true, but I managed to pierce that and confidently blunder my way towards new projects, studios and colleagues (who are now some of the closest friends I've ever had). I was doing what I wanted, on my watch. Yes, there were times of dismay and frustration; but I had focus and aspirations. 

THE FUTURE...

Fast forward 15 years after graduation (that's 15 years of this blog by the way) and I find myself regressing to my teenage self on the cusp of a tragic Graphics and Art Design course he was not interested in. I am rather lost with a sense of failure; hence these existential questions, where my own reality has been rocked to its very core. I need that focus again, the aspiration. I guess this blog has indeed become that of which I swore against when I first began; a journal of emotional diary entries. But perhaps I can embrace that? There could still be a balance, for example, where I show you a fun time-lapse of some set construction followed by a paragraph saying why this was actually such a shit day for me?

Having said all that, this could genuinely be a good way of letting out my demons. By writing about my artwork and career, in the manner of which I intended to all those years ago, but with a sprinkling of emotional chaos. Perhaps others can relate and we can communicate these feelings. As Bob Hoskins once said, 'it's good to talk'. 

So where does that leave me? 

The truth is, I still don't know. 

Maybe I need to travel? Or take my sketchbook out with me more often? I should pick up my guitar again and play on the beach. But I think most of all, I need to give more time to myself. I truly enjoy my own company; yet recently it feels like I have forgotten who I am. Maybe I need more interactions that don't involve a bottle of wine or a crate of beers. Being hundred of miles away from my friends and family has sometimes been more of an emotional challenge than I care to admit.  As I mentioned before, I have a really incredible circle of friends here who I care about immensely. They are my Lisbon family. But some roads you need to take alone. No friends, no family, no partner. Just you and the Universe.

It's easy for me to repress certain things, because I feel like I am doing it for the greater good and I have been doing it for years and years. I am well practiced in people pleasing, despite myself. Ever since I first dressed up as a Ghostbuster with three of my good friends, before bursting into the disco of a cool kids party (we were actually invited, amazingly), where I received not only recognition for being myself but for my artwork (cosplay suit with handmade proton pack and ghost trap!) - I have never looked back. That feeling of acceptance was really wonderful. And now, given any opportunity to raise the bar by dressing up, decorating a room, draw or make personalised gifts or driving the extra distance to reach that sunset; I take it without question. My point is, I would rather take a little suffering or extra time away from myself if it made somebody else happy. 

But some of that wonder and imagination has been lost, especially now. I need to find that fire once again before I make any more decisions. I mediate when I can. Running is a huge escape for me, because it is the essence of freedom (my knees, however, would not agree). But where am I running to? More questions!

Oh by the way... the film I was working on is finally out in cinemas across Portugal [from June 22nd 2023]. I watched the premiere last week with some of the voice talent, colleagues and crew - there was free wine and cheese! It is truly an honour to have worked on this production and have my name on the big screen. Although, it was quite a melancholy moment (and ironic after waiting for so long) because it turns out that I am slowly becoming near-sighted and may need glasses! I could just about see the blurry shapes of Tommy Grainger as he scrolled up the screen, but I have to admit I was a little heartbroken. 

But this blog. What do I do with you? Must I continue this journey, this narrative? I feel a sense of duty and dedication, as if my life is weirdly destined to be a series of blog posts. And yet it is a significant constant in my life. 

I cannot place my finger on what this platform is currently evolving in to, but I think it serves more as a therapy for me than an informative entry on my art career (for you). I used to worry about rambling and going on farfetched tangents to spice up the style of writing, but now I don't even think about it. I just want to write. And if that means divulging into some of my darkness, then so be it. I am not writing this to seek attention or else I would aim it at a bigger audience, because it still is fundamentally a stop motion animation blog. And this is so fucking niche!

I have posted it before, and I will post it again...

In times of (all of the above reasons) I watch this inspirational speech by Neil Gaimain. It needs no introduction, but I always refer to it when I doubt myself. So once this post has been published I shall sit back with a cup of tea and enjoy his soothing and mesmerising words. 

See you Space Cowboy...

P.s. If you truly want to behold some fun time-lapse and more uplifting posts on art and animation then you should consider following me on Instagram @tommygraingerart where things are a little more jovial.