Episode 78 'Electric Elkboy: Falling and Failing'

Soaring above the Andes flew the Electric Elkboy. He looked glorious. Ever would he gracefully swoop in and out of the rocky peaks and weave over and under the peaky rocks. The kite was holding together incredibly well in the windy conditions, but this did not surprise the Elkboy for he was the creator of The Electro-Kite. To any rambler or yodeller it was simply a flash of awesomeness before their eyes and nothing more. 

But the most cunning addition to this contraption was the conductor set upon the pinnacle of the Electro-Kite. When the Electric Elkboy would spy a thunder storm upon the horizon he would not be thwarted, but fly straight in to it. The conductor would then pick up any bolts of lightening that may strike the Electro-Kite, harnessing the thousands of volts and sending them down to the Elkboy and recharging his powers. Yet another little splash of genius that reflects our hero's inventive skill and rugged good looks.

Then the winds stopped completely. And unfortunately for the Elkboy and his mode of flight, this was rather bad news. Despite the kite's self-proclaimed title of the Electro-Kite, there was no actual supply of electricity that could power the kite when wind was unavailable. The Elkboy was furiously perplexed at this and it took him all of three minutes to come to the conclusion that wind was not a reliable source of kinetic energy. He took a mental note of this, by which point he also noted that he was falling from a height of three thousand feet.

Electric Elkboy was falling. He was plunging towards the ground at such a speed that it was nigh impossible for the reader to foresee a happy ending. It was a struggle to breath and yet, the Elkboy felt comfortably terrified. Realising that these feelings clearly ought to cancel each other out, the Elkboy simply began to plummet without emotion. This only aroused confusion and then curiosity. But by the time he realised these things he was another two thousand feet closer to his untimely death.

The Elkboy begrudged his faithful droid Chester as those impending words of kite flying advice fermented in the back of his mind. Temporarily forgetting his peril, he concentrated all his thoughts into an impressive frown regardless of his lack of audience. Clouds rushed by and the mountain peaks rose fast like the protruding spikes in the palace dungeon from Temple of Doom but, alas, with no Willy to save him this time.

His kite was broken. His luck running out. The question was had he packed the emergency inflatable banana-boat? Because as his great Uncle Waldorf used to say... 'I'm fed up with these bloody elk, but I always make sure I have a banana to go'.

He was (still) falling.

And unfortunately for Tommy, or as his self acclaimed reputation prefers 'Electric Elboy', there was very little time left between the conscious realisation of having no parachute or inflatable banana and the ever approaching ground. But suddenly, from out of the fiercely chilling and high speed mists there was a familiar, albeit very faint, beeping sound and before the Elkboy could register such familiarity there was an almighty smack. But this slamming sensation was not of soil or grass, but of the clanking of metal. Had he fallen into some sort of recycling centre? Not he! For it was his trusted droid Chester who had caught him as he plummeted to his almost certain doom. 

     "Bravo old chap!" shouted Elkboy as he desperately grasped at the droids ungraspable domed body. They were still hundreds of feet in the air and he admittedly felt far from safe. The Elkboy yelled, struggling for air as well as grip, "now open up your bloody flaps so I can hold onto something!"

     As Chester deployed his aeronautical knowledge, allowing his brave master to finally find a foot hold, the ground drew nearer and the little droids boosters kicked in to slow them down into a perfectly smooth landing. 

The Electric Elkboy jumped off of Chester's back, panting and doubling over as his legs trembled at the sensation of solid ground again. He then proceeded to try and balance out his physical and mental state of mind. Seven minutes later he ceased his over-dramatic gasping to find that Chester had already set up camp. Now, due to the (understandably) small compartments built into the droids body, there really wasn't an awful amount of room; not for conventional camping equipment at any rate. So the Elkboy had devised a cunning array of inflatable outdoor items that, when deflated, could fit rather neatly into said compartments. It was a reoccurring worry, however, that the great Electric Elkboy favoured the inflatable approach to many of his gadgets, but they sufficed all the same. 

     "I cannot believe that I was shot at", fumed he. "Where did you sprout from anyway Chester? I thought you hated flying?"

    Chester retracted the nozzle from a fully inflated stove (complete with propane gas and saucepan set). "Well, after seeing how distraught you were after the incident with the smoothie, I simply wanted to keep a closer eye on you."

     "Ah! A stowaway then?"

   "Merely a guardian angel, sir," Chester conceded. "Besides, it is near impossible to hide upon your, erm, mode of transport."

     "Do not mock my kite Chester! I know full well the capabilities of my inventions, or indeed your feelings upon such matters. So you tailed me then?"

     "I did sir."

     "Very good. I trained you well."

The Elkboy stepped aside to survey the area and Chester returned to the campsite, who begun inflation of a free-standing lamp. He pondered the next course of action as he stood there, legs astride, hands upon hips, gazing into the bleak wilderness before him. Soon his thoughts fled back to that ever-nagging question; who knew the location of his headquarters? That missile attack was clearly meant for him, who else would live in the camels arse of nowhere? And yet, there was another who knew of his ultimate hideout. There was someone who knew, because he had frequently invited her back (to no avail, of course) in an attempt to woo her... by baking his 'the world isn't ready for this' Pizza Pie. 

     Elkboy frowned at the thought. How dare she stand him and his Pizza Pie up. It was irrefutably a taste sensation. Then he remembered the real reason to why he should be frowning... betrayal! But no, surely not by the Emerald Minx. There had been disputes over the years, absolutely, but when they were forced to team up it was consistently a platonic means of adventure and warfare. It was them against the world (or a really bad man). He hadn't seen her for many years now, but as his thoughts strayed deeper into their relationship he began to visualise her beauty. Those gorgeous brown eyes, her incredible smile and those thighs were to die for (which, coincidentally, was one of her famous moves. It was named 'crouching tiger hidden thigh').

     "What would you propose we do now sir?" asked Chester, sidling up beside his master. 

   "What?!" blarped the Elkboy. "Propose? Me? Not until I get recognised for my outstanding cooking!"

      "I'm not sure I follow sir?"

The Elkboy stammered and shook his head. "Think nothing of it my good droid. I was merely daydream... ahem, I mean planning our next move. For move we must, because these lands are unknown to me and they are riddled with evil. I do believe, however, that we have landed on the plains of Limbo, home of the Tribe."

     Chester shifted awkwardly; a rare gesture among droids as one might think it was absurd for a machine to evoke emotional abilities via its limited mobility. But, personified as he was, Chester awkwardly shifted. "With all due respect sir, I am 100% confident that you have completely made that up."

     The Elkboy all but winked at the droid, then leaped onto a nearby rock. His sense of adventure greatly outweighed his sense of logic and reasoning. As the sun gently set over whatever desolation lay before them, a fine and handsome shadow of the Electric Elkboy stretched out to meet whatever may thwart them. "We must travel to London, Chester!"

     "Sorry sir, to London or Chester?"

     "To London! And meet with Hudson, for he will aid us with transport, supplies and information."

    "But sir," exclaimed the droid. "Without sounding prudent, do we not need those three to get to London in the first place?"

The Elkboy stroked his bearded chin and grinned. "Not necessarily."

To be continued...