Episode 65 'Electric Elkboy: Enter Emerald Minx'

8 years ago…

The snow-capped plains of the northern hemisphere glistened before him as he stood magnificently, guarding his flock and watching the pale yellow sunrise. Tommy closed his eyes and breathed in the cold fresh air, soothing his throat like a menthol lozinger, and yet this man was as fit as a fiddle. The herd of elk plodded slowly about him seeking what little grass this terrain had to offer. Tommy leant heavily upon his crook, admiring the scene. Unfortunately the icy permafrost disagreed with the extra weight and sent the crook flying out of the Elkboy’s grasp. Curses! cried Tommy, flailing like a goon as he landed in the crisp layer of snow.

Suddenly the sunlight was shrouded by a gathering mist, which soon became plumes of dark cloud massing upon the horizon. As the menacing cloud swirled closer it reminded Tommy of only one film where (in the following moments) a huge space craft would pierce the darkness and centre its laser cannon over the nearest landmark. But today wasn’t the 4^th of July and the only local landmark was a wizened old tree that Tommy had grown rather fond of.

He picked himself up out of the snow, whistled to his flock and the frightened beasts trotted towards the tree where they tried desperately to hide behind the skinny trunk. Tommy took a moment to chuckle at how ridiculous his herd of elk looked, but not too loud; elk still have feelings after all. Tommy turned to face the approaching darkness, the lightning bolt upon his brow shining brightly. Although nobody was there to witness him, the Elkboy struck a gallant pose only Captain America could rival (and he didn’t even exist in this Universe). The wind blew strong and the thunder rumbled to a deafening level.

And then she landed.

The snow erupted beautifully as this mysterious woman touched down with such force, elegantly executed, and taking her turn to strike a pose (as if Arnie himself had been sent from the future). This was a woman though, with a curvy figure and dark flowing hair. She wasn’t even naked. Tommy was slightly disappointed, but then her entrance had most certainly given her brownie points. Electricity flickered off her and a perfectly spherical crater lay beneath her as she remained knelt to the ground, melting the snow around her. She has undoubtedly had some kind of effect on the ecosystem around here, Tommy thought as he gazed up at the unnaturally purple haze pulsating from the rumbling clouds.

Without looking up she spoke. Are you the one they call Elkboy?

Tommy nodded in approval; his reputation had totally preceded him. He then realised that this crouching temptress hadn’t seen his handsome head gesture and replied as masculine as he could.

I am

The stooping she-devil fired back, and do you possess the legendary lightning bolt of Magnus the Moose?

Tommy frowned and clenched his fists, I do indeed. What came you by such knowledge? He paused to repeat the question in his head… yes of course it makes sense he thought. 

Only a handful of people once knew the ancient line of arctic beasts, blessed with supernatural powers yet choosing to lead a sheltered life. Who would ask about such peaceful (albeit well trained in the martial arts) beings? Especially concerning the lightning bolt now hovering beautifully above his brow.

Then we have nothing more to discuss. 

The hidden dragon exploded into action and leapt forward, upper-cutting the Elkboy in one instantaneous stroke. Tommy’s body flew backwards and slid across the icy mantle, his herd of elk watching helplessly as their glorious leader was KO’d before them. Tommy rolled over in the snow and looked up, breathing heavily and rubbing his jaw. Damn that was rather painful he thought, cricking his neck and readjusting his blurred vision in time to see a sexy looking silhouette striding towards him.

Tommy lifted himself up and stepped forth with more readiness this time. The girl hesitated in her approach, perhaps in surprise at the resilience her victim held, but most likely because of his strapping appearance (which would impede any assassination attempt). However, Tommy was too furious to notice such a subtle motion and sent forth a beam of electricity from his lightning bolt. The beam hit the girl in the chest and sent her hurtling up into the air. Tommy stood his ground and watched the girl’s aerial acrobatics as she corrected her flailing and landed a hundred metres away.

Then they charged at each other. A game of chicken, with enough stubborn egotistical power to blow a hole through the Earth. As they got closer the ground shook beneath them and the dark clouds descended even lower. They met in a chaotic explosion, causing the skies above to flash brightly and the planet to shift three degrees to the left. As the light equalised it revealed a crack in the ground so large it could be seen from space, with Tommy lying on one side and his female slayer on the other.

The girl was the first to show signs of movement, turning her head gently and squinting to pinpoint her victim. There he lay. Face down in a smouldering heap of rock and ice, steam and electricity flickering about him.

You have proven to be quite the opponent she croaked; forcing what little energy she had to further taunt the Elkboy.

And you have proven… Tommy gasped, that I still have the ability to kick ass and put on a fine show for my elk.

I do not entertain. I am here for one purpose and if I need to destroy you then so be it.

Tommy picked himself up and looked across the precipice. Who are you?

I am your demise. Now hand me the lightning bolt or meet your doom.

I am finding you incredibly attractive, even with your mild threats of my death. How about we sit down and talk about all this, maybe over a bottle of merlot?

The girl lowered her head, faltering in her demeanour. You are pathetic. She looked up, determination in her gaze, now I will end you. She leapt over the abyss and pinned Tommy to the ground (in a rather sexual pose, much to Tommy’s delight regardless of the imminent danger he was in). Tommy looked deep into her poisonous eyes as she held down both his hands, straddling him as her grip tightened. Why do you want my lightning bolt? Who sent you?

The girl trembled with anger, it matters not. This is a mere task that I have been asked to carry out. And I shall see it through for my master. You don’t need to perish, hand over the bolt and I will spare your life.

You don’t know what this bolt is, do you?

That is irrelevant. Now, will you cooperate?

Tommy leant forward as much as he could, inches away from the girl’s face.  You don’t have to do this. He could smell her sweet fragrance and couldn’t help but feel sorry for the girl who was about to annihilate him. She stared back at him and suddenly, deep within, there was a feeling of confusion. Her expression changed and her eyes saddened.

I must obey my master. Her grip loosened.

Then I’ll see you in hell! Tommy thrust his arms out of her clutches and seized her body by the waist. At this touch, he was able to feel her slender figure and immediately thought of naughty things which did not bode well. The girl snapped out of her uncertainty and punched Tommy across the face. She shimmied, reluctantly, out of his sensual grasp and back flipped over the ravine.

Until next time… Elkboy

Tell me your name, mysterious warrior who can’t do her job properly, shouted Tommy.

The girl laughed and knelt to the ground once more. The clouds gathered over her and the landscape rumbled with thunderous clamour. I will return to finish the job. You will not see me coming.

I could definitely imagine you coming, thought Tommy, chortling to himself.

I am the Emerald Minx and you are Electric Elkboy… but not for long.

Tommy shielded his eyes from the flying debris as the girl was lifted into the sky by the violent wind she must have summoned. Lightning flashed and the clouds blackened as the sassy villainess rose elegantly and was soon lost in the depths of this unreasonable weather.

Tommy sat there in awe, wondering what the hell just happened. He looked behind him and saw his herd of elk still attempting to hide behind the tree (which had now blown over). 

Tommy smiled at them

Well chaps, looks like we’ve got a spot of training to do. I’d better put some clothes on

Present day...

The Elkboy's mode of transport was not your regular superhero vessel, but more of a special offer tricycle, complete with honky horn and an extended metal frame due to such long and muscular legs. Luckily for the Elkboy (and anybody who saw such an embarrassing sight) it was simply used to get from his lair to the underground runway where a more suitable vehicle was located. Now, normally a runway would suggest some sort of aeronautical ship. But alas, the paperwork for the Elkboy's pilot license was denied after his refusal to declare where his airspace would be upon landing in his lair, resulting in Government suspicion to why this would be. Things escalated and the Electric Elkboy was officially exiled from his British citizenship. 

But what the Government didn't take into consideration was that this particular superhero cared not for paperwork. This particular superhero was already an outcast, so a citizenship meant nothing to him. And so, without completing any legitimate training programme or participating in a flight simulator, the Elkboy flew a craft customised to what little knowledge he had concerning the art of flight; a kite. 

'Chester, have you calculated the flight plan?' asked the Elkboy earnestly, standing determined at the start of the runway. He was clad in a harness, goggles and a helmet sporting a floral design. He looked like a tit. 
   'Yes sir, but with the erratic winds from the west it makes flying the erm *noticeable pause* kite very incalculable.' 
   'What was the first thing I programmed you to do Chester?!' shouted the Elkboy as the blast doors screeched open at the end of the strip, icy gusts streaming in at a phenomenal speed. He unravelled several meters of rope from the bobbin and took a few steps forward. Chester followed, clearly troubled by his masters persistence (although not that clear at all, as he was a dustbin shaped droid with no facial features).
    'Sir you programmed me to aid you in your timeless battle against anything you find remotely annoying and quashing it for breakfast, realising the consequences by lunchtime and amending the situation by supper, whereupon by chance you come across vaguely heroic.'
    'No, the other thing...!'
    'Oh. Right. To pretend that the kite can fly'. 

And with that, the Electric Elkboy sprung forward with such pace and power, launching himself down the runway and dragging the immense kite structure behind him....